This piece or what it represents rather scares me. But if my art isn’t an expression of myself, if it’s not something real, then what’s it for?
It’s 1:32 AM right now and I’ve just got home from a pretty shitty night, I just ended a relationship with a beautiful girl. I cant even remember how many times I’ve told the story of how I wanted to change my life and then what I’ve done to achieve that, but I’ve never drawn attention to why I ended up in that position.
In my mind there is nothing more powerful than love. Once upon a time, I met a girl and I can’t even put into words what she meant to me. To this day I’m still convinced that she is and always will be the love of my life. When we met I was young and after 18 months together I decided that I was too young for such a commitment, that I had to get out and explore and that I wanted more freedom. So as hard as it was, I left.
From that day on and up until the point when I came up with the idea for ‘the vision project’, roughly 4 years had passed since I left. Every single day for 4 years I thought about her, how much I missed her and without realizing it at the time, how much I hated myself for breaking her heart and destroying what I had with her. I put myself down EVERYDAY for 4 years! Sometimes for 10 minutes in a day, sometimes for 3-4 days straight and I never recognized that self-hate.
Until I realized that I couldn’t change the past and that even if I could go back I wouldn’t have changed my decision because of what I’d learned and the person it made me as a result of that pain, until I realized that I hated myself. I lived in a ‘fake world’ that I created to try and forget her because forgetting was the only thing that masked the pain.
The day that I came to a realization and let go of that pain. It was the best day of my life. I remember exactly where I was, the song I was listening too, the time of day when it happened. It was after I had a conversation with someone which changed my entire outlook on life. I was driving and I had to pull over on the side of the freeway. For the first time in my life I cried with happiness and I cried for 45 minutes straight. It released a sense of freedom that I had never experienced before.
Thankfully that stage of my life is over and needless to say I feel 10 times the person I was for getting through it.
As positive as the outcome has been, the power of love has scarred me. The thought of letting someone ever mean that much to me again and then loosing them terrifies me completely. I am the very essence of the term ‘Commitment issues’.
As I mentioned, I just unintentionally broke a beautiful girl’s heart which shouldn’t have happened. This artwork is a warning to people I may meet in the future. I believe that I have a healthy respect for love, which is why I now avoid it. I want to meet people who can appreciate my mentality and who I am, not people who want to change that.
Despite the way I feel, I’m proud of myself for being honest. I consider myself extremely lucky to have experienced that insane love and at the same time, that insane pain because of what it’s taught me. I am happy and I no longer chase love and I’ve found that in my art. I know myself and one day, maybe I will change my view of love but I’m not holding my breath.
This is ‘Warning Sign’.